Pump Up the Valuum

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AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY SIMILAR
TAKE TWO PLACEBOS AND CALL ME LAME
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH PARENTS TODAY?
DINOSAURS WILL DIE
THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY
CLAMS HAVE FEELINGS TOO
LOUISE
STRANGER THAN FISHIN
PHARMACIST'S DAUGHTER
BOTTLES TO THE GROUND
TOTAL BUMMER
MY VAGINA
HEROUJANA
THEME FROM A NOFX ALBUM


AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY SIMILAR

Hello, welcome to our CD
Can you hear the plain and simple melody


TAKE TWO PLACEBOS AND CALL ME LAME

Can’t you see my soul worn on the second sleeve
It’s going up for sale as soon as it gets saved
Interrogation blues, once again I lose

You don’t get to magnify my insecurities
You don’t get to site and save my unhip-ocracies
Not for sale

Take two placebos then you can call me lame
Walk some in my shoes then tell me to fuck off
My oversized hat won’t fit your humongous head

I’ll trade a hundred days for one inside of you

Take me to a cave, where I can’t be seen
Solace makes the heart, pump adrenaline
I’m sick of being used, time and again betrayed

Give a man a key, he cannot not open the door
Give him something free and he’ll sell it to the poor
C’est la vie

Take two placebos then you can call me lame
Walk some in my shoes then tell me that I’m fucked
My humongous hat won’t fit your gigantic head


WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH PARENTS TODAY?

Mom and dad, how'd ya get so rad, when exactly did you get so hip
Wearing teenage clothes you’re always coming to my shows
And telling me that I should mellow out

It’s absurd, you’re singing every word.
You’re not supposed to like my bands, things I like you don’t understand
So please put down that rum and coke, that’s no behavior for old folks

Dad and mom, what planet are you from
And what convinced you to pack up and leave
Doin drugs and asking me for hugs, what’s the matter with parents today

Not again, when will it end
Dads dressing like Motley Crue and why is moms hair dyed bright blue
There staying out till 2 or 3 and then having sex publicly
I thought the apple fell far from the tree

Mom and dad I think you ought, to quit smoking so much pot
And hanging with my friends
Laying round on the couch, with my Misfits records out
Softly banging their heads

Maybe it’s just a passing phase
What’s the matter with my parents these days


DINOSAURS WILL DIE

This is not a test on the emergency broadcast system
This is the real thing

Sit back watch it crumble, see the drowning watch the fall
I feel just terrible about it, that’s sarcasm, let it burn
I’m gonna make at toast when it falls apart
I’m gonna raise my glass abuv my heart
Then someone shouts that’s what they get!
For all the years of hit and run for all the piss broke bands on VH one
Where did all their money go don’t we all know
Parasitic music industry as it destroys itself
We’ll show them how it’s supposed to be

Music written from devotion not ambithicin, not for fame
Zero people are exploited there are no tricks up or sleeve
Were gonna fight against the mass appeal
Were gonna kill the seven record deal
Make records that have more then one good song
The dinosaurs will slowly die and I do believe no one will cry
I’m just fucking glad I’m gonna be there to watch the fall
Prehistoric music industry three feet in la brea tar
Extinction never felt so good

If you think anyone will feel badly you are sadly mistaken
The time has come for evolution fuck collusion kill the big five
What ever happened to the handshake whatever happened to deals no one would break whatever happened to integrity
It’s still there it always was for playing music just because
A million reasons why all dinosaurs must (will) die


THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY

I’m gonna tell you what I really think I like about Monday
Cause they fell like Saturdays
When you don’t have to go to work, every day is a holiday
I wake up when I want to, I do anything I wanna do
Can’t wait for Tuesday
I really don’t like Fridays I can’t do what I wanna do
Sold out at the movies, can’t eat at the restaurant
Everybody wants to party, but the bar’s full of cigarette smoke
I think I’ll stay home, I think I’ll wait for Monday

I live a five day weekend, I gotta year long holiday
Thanks god it’s Monday
The only place I gotta be is the show or on the first tee
Thank god it’s Monday
Never mind aggravation, just give me modulation gimmie another key

I’ll tell you why I like Tuesdays, cause they’re kinda like Christmas
Come to think about Wednesdays, are a little like Hanakah
Thursdays thanksgiving, I’m talking about good living
I think I’ll give thanx
Thank god it’s Monday


CLAMS HAVE FEELINGS TOO (ACTUALLY THEY DON'T)

Birds are dumb cause small bird brains
But so are kids and old people
Some birds talk, most others sing
I don’t see you eating a talking bird

Pigs smell bad and roll in pooh
But so do kids and elderly
I don’t see you chop of an old man’s feet
Put them in a mason jar and pickle them

No chowder for you, cause clams have feelings too
Actually they don’t have central nervousness
No manhatten style, clams have the right to smile
Come to thin about it they don’t have a face

They have no face, no place for ears
There’s no clam eyes to cry clam tears
No spixal cord, they must get bored
Might as well just put them out of misery

Although the world could be more selfish
I guess it’s alright to eat shellfish

No chowder for you, cause clams have feelings too
I could happen to you, clams have feelings too
I don’t think they do, clams have feelings too


LOUISE

She gotta silicone cock sticking in her ass and one in her cunt
A butterfly vibrator strapped tight her clit
But who’s got the remote control

That would belong to Louise
She’s got a new pet a real vaginal tease
You know that mummy’s little girl is not gonna do as she please
I she don’t want to get a spankin

She likes to speak like a six year old brat
Mommy discipline me cause you know I’ve been bad
Start with a cat then she’ll move to a crop
Neither one is willing to stop

She know that girls just wanna have fun
With four piercings on each side of her labia
A little luggage lock connecting each one
Prevents her girl from goin astray

Slut you think you’ve seen your master mean
You better lick my puss and asshole clean
Treat my clit like bubblegum
Bitch make me come

It’s time for bed she’ll secure her head
Between her thighs for a thorough night suck
Along with this she’ll be drinking her piss
So Louise don’t have to get up

Two goddesses in love
One resides below one reigns from above
One adorns cuffs while one covets keys
The purgatorial touch of Louise


STRANGER THAN FISHIN

Got a no string guitar, got a sunn beta head
I’m a rock N roll star
I ain’t no musician some things are stranger than fishin

Got a beat on a drum no how to sing outta key
Got some illegal drugs
I ain’t no musician some things are stranger than fishin

I know what I I’m weight out another gram
Some of us have all the luck
No matter how much we fucking suck


PHARMACIST'S DAUGHTER

Give her a call for demorol and amal nitrate
I tell her dad don’t worry sir we won’t stay out late

I’m in love with her, the pharmacist’s daughter
She’s got my love, I get her drugs

Waking up in the afternoon can’t wait to see her
Bringing in some colonopin, I’m huffing ether
She’s the one for me, without personality, I still want to see her every day

We got a date and I can’t wait to see my baby
If I wine and dine her she just might sedate me
She’s so beautiful she keeps my prescriptions full
She’s got my love I get her drugs
Looks like I’ve gone and bought the farmacy


BOTTLES TO THE GROUND

You know it when it’s over
Door are closing feel the sober staring at you
You know you better take one more good look

One more round then it’s bottles to the ground
Smashing of the glass what a super sonic sound
You gotta pull the plug when it’s time to die
Whoa whoa whoa, bottles to the ground

There’s a suitcase on the side walk
There’s some records in a milkcrate
She’ll be staying
You’ll be throwing whiskey over one lip

One more round then it’s bottles to the ground
Smashing of the glass a perfect imperfect sound
You gotta pay the piper when the rats are gone
Whoa whoa whoa, bottles to the ground

One more round then it’s bottles to the ground x14


TOTAL BUMMER

Go away sunny day
All the horny people sitting in front of their TV and thinking
What is wrong with me I’m not a monster
Why won’t anybody fuck me
I don’t wanna live life lonely
Why does everyone have to be perfect

Go away sunny day
All the barflys sipping whiskey
Fighting ever present pity
Wondering what they are sucking back for
Is it the drink or trepidation,
Watching all trains leave the station
Left standing alone without a ticket

Go away sunny day
Stop searching cause there’s no answer
Just a long line of disaster
There’s no simple way to stop the sadness
Life’s not fair I’m glad it’s not
This isn’t heaven just a lonely planet
On the verge of self destruction


MY VAGINA

My vagina has two sets of lips, but I don’t got monthly blood drips
My vagina hardly even used
My vagina got lot’s of extra skin, they took my outtie and made it an in
Turning donnie into Marie Osmand

Operation successful, but now I gotta pee threw a miniature hole
Gotta remember to put the seat down and when I wipe my ass
I go from front to back Cause I don’t want to get a bladder infection

I never thought I’d miss my vas deferance
I trade it in for a par of huge cans
Now I get to hang with lesbians

Operation paid up front
Now I show all my friend my new designer cunt
They think I’m kinda weird but that’s ok with me
Cause now I kick their ass playing from the ladies tee
There’s nothing finer than having a vagina


HEROJUANA

Light the match burn the flour
Leave behind all the wrong
Why be sad when happiness can be bought for a little more then free
Modern day prohibition
Are we men, are we children
At what age can I choose how to live

The only real drug problem is scoring real good drugs
Haven’t we learned our lesson
The corner store sells the finest scotch
But who’s got uncut powder
We just want what is ours dignity

If god created plants and -????- that I find and abuse
Then who the fuck are you to judge me?


THEME FROM A NOFX ALBUM

We’re professional punkers we come from the suburbs
After 15 years we’re still having fun
Now we’re over 30 not looking so pretty at least we got a beat up accordian
That’s Erik our drummer his fathers a plumber
He drank enough booze to get rhode island drunk
Now he’s straight but smelly he’s got one big belly
From living the good life provided by punk

Singin Singin Singin
Buy me a becks beer or pass me a bong
Gimmie some bushmills I’ll sing you this song
Open another big box of cheap wine we’re over 30 we’re doin just fine

El Hefe is not satanic he’s one hip hispanic
He grew up with one dozen cousins and kin
He wears baggy pants he know how to break dance
You’ve seen him do every impersonation
That Melvin on six string some tell me I can’t sing
Oh I think you can just don’t do it round me
Stick with what you know
Playing guitar solo with hetson and watt in punk rock karaoke

Singin Singin Singin
Buy me a becks beer or pass me a bong
Gimmie some bushmills I’ll sing you this song
Open another big box of cheap wine we’re over 30 we’re doin just fine

My name is Fat Mike I’m obsessed with big lesbians
I’ve been a punk rocker for most of my life
I sing kinda flat I’m not really that fat
But that’s how I hit them with a hook or a slice
I’m Kent I do sound look his getting so round
I’m Timmy the Turtle he counts as he clicks
I’m Jay I don’t care someone please cut his hair
I’m Limo from Scotland so give me haggis

Singin Singin Singin
Buy me a becks beer or pass me a bong
Gimmie some bushmills I’ll sing you this song
Open another big box of cheap wine we’re over 30 we’re doin just fine
Buy me a becks beer or pass me a bong
Gimmie some bushmills I’ll sing you this song
We a quaalide or chop we a line we’re pushin 40 we’re doin just fine

Give me a casual, pass me a bong,
Give me Glen Lebbit I’ll sing you this song
Open another big box of cheap wine
If you take the lower then I take the high